Exposed

it all began late last Wednesday night.
I had stayed up too late watching too many episodes of Parks & Recreation.
I was heading to sleep, but decided to just give FB a once over. I was scrolling through the newsfeed seeing the usual, exciting things happening in lives of friends near and far, a picture of someone's lunch, a political post (or seven), a few pics of adorable children, and some inspiring Bible verses, when something caught my eye. And as I read it, my stomach dropped to my toes and has been there ever since. This terrible feeling began to rise and caught in my throat. A friend had posted that now all of the sudden, FB had taken once private messages between people and had made them public by publishing them to people's "walls".

Panic flooded me.

Ever since I had joined YWAM and began my crazy travels around the world, FB had become my primary form of communication. It was the easiest way to stay in touch with my friends all over the globe. This is the problem with having friends close to your heart but not close to your geography means that messages that spill your heart pour out though the keys and fly off to their destination digitally. Which meant....

I realized that some of my deepest secrets, my greatest fears, and the affections of my heart toward several boys over the past few years may, in fact, be visible to "the whole world" or 617 of my closest "friends".  I felt like I was totally exposed. Everything. My past. my present. All right there in plain view.

Immediately, I clicked on to my profile and began scanning. 2012? nope. 11? nope. 2010? oh... yeah..  yikes. 2009? Even more yikes. 2008? YIKES.  I followed the steps recommended by the poster to hide these messages. And then I began the journey over to close friends' pages. The same thing. More than an hour later, the panic still hadn't left me. That yucky adrenaline feeling was still in the pit of my stomach. I have to get rid of these posts!  I was exhausted, so I resolved that in the morning I'd write to all these friends, some of whom I'm on kind of shaky ground with now, and ask them to please do the same and hide these posts. Defeated, I closed my laptop and finally switched off the light.

But I couldn't sleep.
I still felt totally exposed.
my head wouldn't stop reeling.

so I picked up my phone. and after a quick check of timezones, I sent off a text. I knew this friend had a lot of personal FB messages as well. The reply I received mirrored my own terror. Friend was in class and asked me to check their own page to survey the damage. It was similar to mine. Some of the panic was relieved. We conversed about how terrible it was of FB to do such a thing. And then we decided to delete all of the messages we had exchanged. It was just too risky. Finally, I drifted off into a fitful sleep.
I was hoping I'd feel relief in the morning. I didn't.
Eventually, I found the words, and posted a status warning other friends about what had happened. They all found private messages posted to their walls. Ugh.
Exposed.
for the whole world to see.
And then.. in the course of the morning, a friend found this article where FB says they were all just old wall posts, and suggests that people may have been more forthcoming in "public" posts as the whole FB community felt (and actually was) much smaller. I'm not sure I believe all of it, (There are several posts I swear used to be in private messages, and other things I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have posted to a friend's wall.. but.. )

the whole debacle made me think. a lot.
How would I respond if every single "private" message I had ever written were suddenly made public?
what would the fallout look like?
how would I deal with everyone knowing and reading the details of the depths of my struggles of some of the most difficult seasons of my life? Would the ugliness of my brokenness be too great?
What have I said about people, friends even, when I thought they weren't listening?
Have I always spoken in love?
Aside from the personal aspect, I want to make sure I'm speaking, writing, texting, and in all ways, conversing in love and respect, that if suddenly all my conversations were there for all the world to see, I'd have nothing to be ashamed of.
how about you?

up to date!

Oh me, oh my.
Once again, I have completely neglected this blog.
My apologies.
Life has been crazy. If I ever thought it was crazy before, I had no idea!
Let's see...
I am 3 days and 1 exam away from being a Latin teacher for an entire semester.

Some of my students performing a skit in Latin. It's about beards. :)

Which is crazy. I am so stretched and challenged in more ways than I could ever imagine, every single day in the classroom. It is a time for me to learn grace, to learn to lean on God, and to walk humbly before everyone, including my students. I feel like I am constantly making mistakes, some with the actual language work, and some with the teaching, which is hard. However, I am definitely learning 1,000 ways NOT to teach Latin, as well as few ways to actually teach Latin. I do have some consolation in that my students actually know more Latin than they did at the beginning of the year, so we are actually learning! Yippee!

Last month I went on a week-long pastoral outreach in Michigan!

Jess & I at an amazing coffee shop called Lemonjello! :D
It was amazing. I got to visit my lovely lovely friend Jessica and work with her church. Having been on staff at a similar-size church previously, it was very cool to see how another church did things. I learned a lot and got to work with amazing people! And on either end of this outreach, I got to stop in Chicago and spend time with my wonderful friend Brian who is attending school at Wheaton College. The whole thing was amazingly divinely orchestrated and filled my soul to the full. Oh, it was glorious. :D


Brian & I at the Bean in Chicago!

School of the Bible itself has been great. We have excellent teaching and I am learning to see God in a whole new way. He is so incredibly gracious and loving and kind.
Last week and this week we've been tackling the Nature of God, which primarily has had to do with God's foreknowledge. It's intense to say the least. We've been examining different views of what it means that God is all-knowing and the implications of each view. My brain hurts constantly. But it's been a time to really ask the hard questions and find out if my thinking lines up with what the Bible expresses on the issue.
Looking Ahead:

OUTREACH!
We've got two more outreaches in this school! And I am excited for both of them.

THe next one is coming in March. We'll spend a week doing teachings and working with local ministries.
We were just presented with location options yesterday, so I am still praying through them.
our choices?
-Houston, TX
-Florida
-Mexico

And... our main outreach in July?

I am going to ZAMBIA! That's right, folks, my return to Africa is imminent!
:D
Also, I am tacking on a 2.5 week trip to South Africa to visit a friend and check out ministry opportunities.
Hooray!!
So.. I'll be spending 6.5 weeks in Africa this summer. Woot Woot!

And...
We'll be doing the Proverbs Project
which is a scientific inductive study of the book of Proverbs.
Before Christmas break.
Oh my.
I am excited.
It will be crazy.
But I know I am going to learn heaps!

Hooray! Christmas Break! I CANNOT WAIT to come home to the glorious PNW and see my wonderful family and friends. :D

November: Te Quiero

well, week 1 of November was great. Welcome to week 2:

#1- Daylight Spendings Time!
Today we got to "fall back" which looks like this in mathematical terms:
me+1 extra hour of sleep = happiness.
:D

#2- Tuesday.
usually Tuesday and I aren't really friends. I have to get up earlier and there are more of my less favorite classes. However, this Tuesday something very special is happening: One fantastic family from Whatcom County happens to be here visiting relatives and they are coming to visit me! WOHOO!

#3- Veterans Day!
it's a pretty sweet holiday and around here it's a big deal. We're having a big assembly that one of my teachers is organizing it, We'll be helping which... usually means more work than a regular school day, but variety is fun. And I think this will be pretty sweet.

#4- A Wedding!
How often do you have a wedding right outside your door? (well actually....)
This weekend two fantastic people from SOTB are tying the knot, on my front porch! It will be lots of fun and I'm excited to see how these two are going to rock for the Kingdom.

#5- Banquet!
It isn't frequent that I get invited to banquets. Especially ones where you have to RSVP and they give you a ticket. In fact, this might be the first time. Over at the Ranch we're having some sort of big Thanksgiving Banquet with all sorts of important people. I think it will be fun. Plus I get to wear my favorite fancy dress :)

and there you have it. November- week 2. Which will very quickly melt into Week 3 which contains a lot more craziness!

Sometimes Happiness Looks Like This:

so, in case you were wondering how my trip went... here are some pictures!

Here are the lovely prairies. Now, meet some of the amazing folks I spent four glorious days hanging out with.....

This is Kelsey. She's fantastic. and she's my friend. she also helped save my life. She's got GIFTS. and the Holy Spirit is going to use them in a MIGHTY way!


with true friends, you can be yourself. completely.


where it all began...

YWAM friends are fantastic! See, we approve this message.



This is my incredible friend Julia. She oozes Jesus out of every pore. We got to pray hardcore for each other before we ever met. Now we go on coffee dates. Or have tea parties via Skype. This girl is FANTASTIC. So watch out. Amazing things are going to be happening all around her, as God does His work through this precious jewel!

Hooray! the moment we've all been waiting for. Oh wait, someone's arm isn't long enough....

yay for friends who are very very ok! You have to understand, that pretty much every time for 6 months (or actually as long as I've know him) there was a camera anywhere around, Tim makes a silly face. Except this time. I, however, was prepared for the silly face picture. ooops.


Finally! Together again with two of my favorite boys on the whole planet. Haha, do you see how the joy is practically eating my face?!
Now, I am just going to take a minute to brag on these two. I have lived with them day in and day out for 6 months straight. And it began when we were strangers. And I am still impressed with who they are. Now that's saying something ;) These guys LOVE Jesus. I've watched them wrestle (literally. hahaha) and grow (more than facial hair, though that is definitely impressive!). They've had deep wounds to overcome. They've been part of many of the happiest times of my life. And they've been there for the absolute worst.

Tim, on the left, is FULL of compassion. Overflowing. He's a servant. He's crazy good at soccer. And he's taught me so much about culture and what it means to be from the US. (even though he's not). He's taught me to relax and enjoy things I can't change. He's also an animal aficionado.

And then there's Ryan, on the right. He is FULL of faith. He's got it the whole "child-like faith" thing figured out. He loves wholeheartedly. Regardless of how much others disagree or give him grief. Ryan draws good doodles. He's got a hunger for the Word. He loves basketball. He can do handstands like nobody's business. He and his family have given me another great example of what it looks like to love Jesus and love each other. well. Also, he can juggle.

so. don't say I didn't warn you.

because these boys are going to change the world.

Anticipation..

Anticipation.

It's a happy word.

and my heart is filled with it now.

For lots of reasons.

but one in particular.

that will be brought to life in 28 days.

Are you ready?

I am!

Do you know what is about to happen?

I get to see some of my favorite people in the whole entire planet.

Now, please be assured that I have lots of favorite people.

But.. these ones will always have a special place in my heart.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time... I moved to Uganda.

And there I met a few Canadians.

We had many adventures together....
like going on million hour drives

or playing "volleyball"

we took lots of silly pictures

and enjoyed life together.

we built things..

and ate ice cream!

and did things that were thoroughly amazing!

Like rafting the Nile!

which ended like this in case you were wondering...

but the most exciting thing is that... in 28 days.... this will happen:

which makes my heart do the happy dance... :D

here's to anticipation!

Hamthrax?

Have Hamthrax (aka Swine Flu)?

Make cookies!

Our household (& barnhold) has been sick. So we've been living in the house and enjoying time together. Even if my poor roomie sounds like a seal (cough cough cough). Since some of our friends were sick too we had a sick party and watched the Princess Bride. Good stuff. Eventually we made some sugar cookies, and since we had a pig cookie cutter, naturally we should make some cookies in honor of our disease. The first one went to Nellie's boyfriend (here visiting from AK) who brought the sickness with him. oops. So, it's been a crazy week. But we've had some good laughs.

Speaking of laughs and swine flu, the elementary schools have been particularly hard hit in Lynden. So sad for all those sick kiddos. But most of those who have had it are recovered and back in school and church. I was teaching sunday school for the 4th-6th graders two weeks ago and we were learning about Lazarus. The kids were acting out the story and asked what had made Lazarus so sick. "Did Lazarus have swine flu?" haha. I told them that he didn't, but since we were acting it out, in our rendition Lazarus died of swine flu. But not to worry, Jesus still raised him from the dead just the same!

*Disclaimer: I know that swine flu is a serious disease and has been deadly. And we've experienced the nastiness of it for sure. This post is just about our trying to make the best of the not fun thing of being sick. It is not intended to make light of the deep sorrow that many people have suffered due to Swine Flu.*

PS. All credit goes to John Borries for the name Hamthrax. Brilliant.

Curveballs..

wow. It's been a long time, and much has changed. God threw a few curveballs my way, and it's been a great adventure.

Curveball #1- My school (the CRS) got cancelled.

I had finally gotten my entire application sent in and was anxiously awaiting acceptance when I got an email that the school director had to leave the country for family reasons and there was no one to take their place, so the school had been cancelled. I was definitely disappointed, but am excited to see where Jesus leads next.

Curveball #2- I moved.

Ok, not so much of a curveball, we had been planning it since March, but the timing was certainly surprising. Just a couple weeks after we moved my little sister off to college down south, I was moving out too. So now I live in a barn. It's GORGEOUS. Out in the country. Remodeled. I have two roommates, and they are AMAZING! And one of my roommate's parents live right next door. And they are the most fantastic people!! Living here has been the biggest blessing!!

Curveball #3- I lost my job.

Now this was definitely a shock. Just a week or so earlier, I had told God I really wanted to live by faith. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised! It all happened just a few weeks after I had moved out. Crazy! But, if you were going to get laid off, this was definitely the best possible way. I was given two weeks notice, lots of hours during those last two weeks, extra financial blessing, a goodbye party, and a nice heater from the wonderful ladies in my office (who didn't want me to be cold in my new house). And I come highly recommended by everyone in the office. Great people. I miss them. I know it's crazy, but I am so excited to see what God has for me in this time!

so that's the long and the short of it. God is gracious and faithful. And I know He has big plans for me. I am excited to discover what the next step is, and see how He will move me to get there.

"When God throws a curveball, don't duck. You just might miss something amazing." - extreme days

Redemption

I hate July 1st.

If I could I would have it wiped off the calendar completely.

And it's not because I hate Canadians. Actually it's because I love 3 certain Canadians so very much, that I'd elect to make some other day their national holiday.

but you see, 365 days ago was the worst day of my life.

And so, I want to wipe it off the map.

Never again see another calendar that bears this date.

So much so that I am taking the day off from work because I didn't want to endure the trauma of typing it over and over. But I figured that today lots of people would place orders for tomorrow. But I didn't take a single one. Isn't God good?!

And it was this point that I was pondering on my drive home that Jesus used to show me just how good He really is.

In my quest to obliterate Canada Day from the calendar, I was sentencing that day to death.

That's it. Ruined for the rest of my life. Yes, but......

it's not beyond redemption.

Stop. Think. Read that line again. let it sink in.

Hallelujah!

See in the dwelling on the ruins of this date, i was limiting God by believing that there is nothing even possibly good that could ever happen on this day again. EVER.

I was saying that the One who created the universe, can raise the dead, has healed countless thousands and performed amazing miracles, is not god enough to redeem a day on a calendar.

And even more, I tell this Healing God that He is not healer enough to fix me.

How preposterous!
and how amazing is this gracious God who allows me to think like this. And gently guides me to the Truth.

He is the God who promises justice.

Who is without limits,

Who NEVER EVER FAILS.

[edit]

It is now the dreaded day. And you know what...? So far it's actually been pretty good!

I slept until 9:30 and awoke to a beautiful, sunny day.

I got have a glorious phone call with a friend who lives on the other side of the planet. :D

I watched Ashlie & Tyler goof around and talk about Edge camp. Which is definitely one of my favorite things in the whole world.

And I spent the afternoon on an adventure with my lovely amazing Lisa.

I'd say that sounds like the beginning of Redemption, don't you?!

She likes purple..

Ok. but not really. The title of this blog comes from this song which really isn't about me. It's really about Cassie. But, it's been stuck in my head all week. Because part of it is true for me.

I've got a secret.

But I'm not telling.

yet...

just know it's a good one. a happy one. finally!

so keep watch.

cause I can't keep it in much longer ;)

And I find myself blessed beyond my own understanding...

This is my Tour Guide. His name is Leo. See my friend Danelle did not want me to get lost in Uganda, so she found me someone who is from there to give me directions in case I need them. And well, considering we all know how good I am with directions, I think he'll get some good use!

This is Danelle. And a balloon. She took me Value-Villaging and we found some great deals on clothes for Africa! Then she came over and we did a "practice pack" because I knew that there would be way too many things I would want to take with me! See, my checked bag can only weigh 51 lbs! Which is definitely not much for 7 months of living in Africa! But it is the beginning of the letting go and relying on God for everything Process! I am so thankful for my amazing friends who are walking me through this process and helping me prepare! I could definitely not do this all on my own!" And I find myself blessed beyond my own understanding.." with friends who love me like Jesus does!

Don't Bug Me! (my quest for Anti-Malarials!)

So yesterday I made all sorts of preparations.

First I headed back to the doctor to get my anti-malaria pills. I had been in September to get all my immunizations (yellow fever, tetanus, meningitis, typhoid, hep a/b, and polio I think. ) They were a little busy the first time, (5 shots and 1 oral vaccine is a lot to think about!) and so they forgot to mention that the hep a/b was a series of 3 shots! Oops! So I got shot # 2 yesterday, and then I have to go back next Sunday (not tomorrow) for my last one! Then when I get back, I have to get a booster shot, because they gave me the accelerated sequence. After the nurse left, I turned to my dad and said, "Good thing I don't mind getting shots!!" So then, they gave me my prescription for the Anti-Malarials. Unfortunately, the one I will be taking, can cause increased sensitivity to sun. But it doesn't effect everyone. So, shortly after I arrive in Uganda, we'll find out if I am one of them! If so, my parents can send me a different medicine as soon as possible. The bottle of pills they gave me was HUGE. 250 to be exact! Oh, the adventures of going to Africa! (please understand, that this is not me complaining. I genuinely don't mind getting shots, and as far as the uncertainty of how I will react to the malaria meds, I am just trusting in my Heavenly Father, who I know will take care of me! I just wanted to share all of the adventures with you!!)

I also bought some bug spray. 100% DEET. Yum. Not. But, better than getting Malaria!

Then we primed my water bottle, with built-in filter, (thanks Dad!) so that I don't have to worry too much about what I am drinking!

I also got my "passport photos" for my Ugandan Student Visa. They wouldn't let me smile.. which was super hard. So I got away with a half smile.. my teeth aren't showing, which is apparently what really matters. I don't understand. What's the problem with smiling? I have lovely teeth, which were also very expensive. Ok, not the teeth, the jaw in which they sit. But the point is, shouldn't I be able to show them off? Oh well!

We were going through the check-out at Costco, and ended up in my friend Tyler's line. We started talking, and I found out that he is going to do his DTS in Germany (Hernhut) in April! Sweet Deal! It is so exciting to see so many people in my generation from Whatcom County going out and serving the Lord, and not settling for the bare-bones Christianity, but for nothing less than an all-out, hard core, passionate pursuit of Jesus! YEHAW!

So now, I am just sitting at home, watching the snow fall, and enjoying a quiet Saturday with my family. :D