risks and dreams

WOW. I was going back through my blog, and I found this post saved as a draft....

and all I can say is, wow.

what a long way I have come.

what amazing healing has happened in my heart.

how amazing and faithful is my God!

This was originally written January 6, 2009:

Fear. it eats me alive some days. Surrounds me and then sneaks up in the darkness. Routinely in the evening it clamps its icy iron fingers around my heart. And then I am lost. paralysed. the actual event is momentary, but its chill lasts for some time. I just freeze. All logical thinking is gone. And all I know is that I am and that I hurt. The shock wears off and the numbness with it, and then as the rush of pain comes in like a flash flood. All I feel is alone.

As I lie in bed, waiting for sleep to come, sometimes I imagine going back to Uganda. My dreams come alive. I am there, safe and happy. Sharing Jesus with the world. with a family of my own. But it is always shattered by the sudden surge of fear. I will always be white. I will always stick out and thus be a target. Villages aren't safe, they are frequently raided and burned and those houses have no burglar bars. Houses can always be broken into, ambushes can come from anywhere. The words come from somewhere deep and dark.. a poisonous whisper, "You are not safe. You will be found. And no one will protect you. Everything will be stolen from you again. And it will be much worse than last time." Fear. Much more fear. Memories flash back. Adrenaline. PAIN. So much for sleep. again.

You see, that night I lost so much. And in all of it, my dreams are gone. Eaten up by fear. Long gone in the aftermath of the storm. Innocence and the much greater trust I had in my Father... gone. Shattered. the pieces seem to small even to be picked up.

But...

I went to Africa with an incorrect understanding of reality. In my mind the violence and pain was contained in the past. The hurts were very real and still lingering but I was going to be part of the healing. I never expected that the danger was still real. That violence still touches so much of everyday life. Whoops. The invincibility of youth, my own lack of understanding and my enthusiastic, effervescent hope and trust in the God of the Universe for transformation, as well as some whole life in Whatcom County innocence created a false perception of what it would really be like. But now I've experienced it. A small piece.

that orange dust will be forever in my soul.. the memories are so vivid. Which in most cases is a huge blessing. I can see it. taste it. feel it. And I long to go back. for the joy. the richness. the challenge. the scarcity. the beauty.

What I've come to see is this.. anything truly GOOD comes with risks. But it is also worth taking those risks.

Remembering the Rescue... through worship

I like to remember. well, the good things. golden memories dance around my head. Pictures float through my consciousness often. And if they didn’t, I just open up the photos on my computer and walk through memory lane again. Other memories are so vivid it is as though they just happened moments ago. I get flash backs. I’ll be going through my day, and then something sparks and instantly I am once again walking through a jungle of banana forests. It’s so real, so intense I can feel the sunshine streaming through the canopy of leaves above me. but it lasts only a split second. and then, here I am, still in Whatcom County. Usually sitting at a desk in front of a computer.

One of my good friends from my days in Uganda who I spent most of my time with, is often surprised at my memory. I’ll say, “remember when.......” and he’ll laugh and reply, “how do you remember that?!” I just shrug and smile.

It’s amazing how great it is to remember where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. Nearly two years ago, I walked through the hardest and most painful time of my life. I was shattered. and devastated. my heart felt as though it had been dipped in liquid nitrogen and thrown on the floor- smashed into a thousand pieces. I was bleeding and oozing emotionally. I was awash in a sea of icy-cold fear and choking depression. I would have kept God at arms-length holding Him responsible for my current circumstances, except that He felt millions of miles away already. the Bible felt irrelevant. I was indifferent towards sermons. honestly the only thing that really kept me coming back to church were our times of worship. The time of singing somehow opened the door to my soul, and only then for those 15 or 20 minutes did I feel safe and sure that God really was who He said He was. And that He’d actually redeem the deep sorrow of my soul.

a few more moths of misery dragged by and in January ‘08 I was given the opportunity to visit some of my best friends. Incredible people who knew the deep pain I was wrestling with and a couple of whom carried the same pain themselves. Oh the joy and relief of being with people who understood! It simply cannot be put into words. At that point, I was still deeply impacted by the trauma. I wasn’t able to sleep through the night for nearly a year. I would wake up with horrible nightmares, and flashbacks so real they sent adrenaline coursing through my veins. I have a very vivid memory of a horrendous sleepless night while visiting my friends last year. when I walked into the room just a couple weeks ago, it was just as fresh as if it happened the day before. That doesn’t sound like something great to remember, but hang with me, because it gets so much better. While I was there a year ago, barely surviving emotionally, I was surrounded by deep and tender love which again reminded me of the goodness of God, that is always. Again, I had some incredible times of worship, where God was somehow once again near. That room where I get to stay, has a chalkboard wall. And on it I wrote the verse that God spoke to me, in faith. It wasn’t true for me anymore. But I needed to believe that it could be.

It is still there. And seeing it again, a year later was an incredible reminder of just how far my heart had come. Over this last year, it’s been a long, slow road to healing. but it has come. It’s been a long journey, out of a valley so deep that the sky was rarely visible. It was a pitch black winding road through icy dampness. but it has lead slowly and steadily upwards. And as I keep walking the road, I find myself out in the open meadows. The sun is bright and warm, the air fresh and warm and the mountain peaks are not only visible, but near. And I can now look at that verse and see how it is true. How the joy has returned to my life.

It is this that makes me want to remember. When I look back and truly see the depth of despair that i have been rescued from, I am amazed and in awe of my Rescuer. And that moves me to worship- to declare His worth and his glory!

Redemption

I hate July 1st.

If I could I would have it wiped off the calendar completely.

And it's not because I hate Canadians. Actually it's because I love 3 certain Canadians so very much, that I'd elect to make some other day their national holiday.

but you see, 365 days ago was the worst day of my life.

And so, I want to wipe it off the map.

Never again see another calendar that bears this date.

So much so that I am taking the day off from work because I didn't want to endure the trauma of typing it over and over. But I figured that today lots of people would place orders for tomorrow. But I didn't take a single one. Isn't God good?!

And it was this point that I was pondering on my drive home that Jesus used to show me just how good He really is.

In my quest to obliterate Canada Day from the calendar, I was sentencing that day to death.

That's it. Ruined for the rest of my life. Yes, but......

it's not beyond redemption.

Stop. Think. Read that line again. let it sink in.

Hallelujah!

See in the dwelling on the ruins of this date, i was limiting God by believing that there is nothing even possibly good that could ever happen on this day again. EVER.

I was saying that the One who created the universe, can raise the dead, has healed countless thousands and performed amazing miracles, is not god enough to redeem a day on a calendar.

And even more, I tell this Healing God that He is not healer enough to fix me.

How preposterous!
and how amazing is this gracious God who allows me to think like this. And gently guides me to the Truth.

He is the God who promises justice.

Who is without limits,

Who NEVER EVER FAILS.

[edit]

It is now the dreaded day. And you know what...? So far it's actually been pretty good!

I slept until 9:30 and awoke to a beautiful, sunny day.

I got have a glorious phone call with a friend who lives on the other side of the planet. :D

I watched Ashlie & Tyler goof around and talk about Edge camp. Which is definitely one of my favorite things in the whole world.

And I spent the afternoon on an adventure with my lovely amazing Lisa.

I'd say that sounds like the beginning of Redemption, don't you?!

there is no one like You

I love the goodness of God. Ok.. that's not true. I am learning to love the goodness of God. To be honest there are days where I hate the goodness of God- days where the million pieces my heart is smashed into just can't make any sense of a God whose goodness is like this. And then there are days, like today, where the reality of the goodness of God just hits me in the face and all I can do is get down on my face in worship or dance around with hands lifted high proclaiming His goodness. Those are the moments where all the pain is acknowledged, justified, and swept away in the tide of His love. Where I pause and look at the cross and all is right with the world. It's just insane to me how the cross is just so amazing. He loves me that much! He pursues my heart to the point where He is willing to suffer all sorts of agony to win my heart. He paid for the pain. And He payed for all the pain I caused others, and even Him. In the cross I see great love, mercy, justice, grace and forgiveness. And that's just scratching the surface.

Oh, the goodness of God in my life is displayed right now in this: that He cares more about the transformation of my character than He does about my personal happiness!

Burn Us Up

the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (or rack, shack, & benny according to Veggie Tales) is one of my favorites. And we talked a lot about their story on DTS. "You are able to deliver from the fire of affliction... but even if You don't.... we will burn..." (burn us up- Shane &Shane)

But as we read the story in church today I saw it with new eyes.

"16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."- Daniel 3:16-18

There are so many good things here.. but one stands out to me. verse 17. the God we serve is able to save us from it. Rack, Shack, and Benny knew the strength of God. And they believed He would save them. and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But here's the kicker. God is able, but he doesn't always rescue us from situations. Sometimes He does not intervene. And they knew that. And were willing to take that risk, to have that faith and to still trust and serve their God knowing that they very well might be charred to a crisp. But even if he does not, How often do I simply assume that I won't burn. That God will protect not only my soul but my "earthsuit" (thanks Gary for that term!) as well. WRONG.


Rack, Shack and Benny weren't angry at God for allowing them for them to actually get thrown in. Though they emerged complete, not even smelling like smoke. BUt what if God hadn't protected them entirely? What if He had indeed spared their lives but they had some minor burns and some singes on their clothes? Or consider the story of Daniel in the lion's den. What if God had not actually shut the mouths of the lions. What would have happened if God had allowed a lion to take one bite out of Daniel .. granted the spectacle would have been lessened. And God would kind of look like weak sauce. Could you imagine what the crowds who were watching would say "Come on. All powerful? Your God couldn't shut the mouths of lions or quench the flames. All He did was spare your life. And not without some damage to your person." And they would be right. When God doesn't fully intervene, when He doesn't fully rescue us from evil, He looks weak. We wonder... what happened to this all-powerful God who loves us?

And, if that hypothetical situation had occurred, minor burns and a lion snack. How would they have reacted? How would Rack, Shack, and Benny have felt treating their wounds? Or how would Daniel feel getting his wound sewn up? Would they have felt betrayed by God? Let down and abandoned? Looking at the text, I would say no. They had all firmly resolved to follow their God no matter what the cost and had already faced much testing of that choice. They had made their choice to follow no matter what the cost. And I know that I have said that many times. So what's wrong with me? Why am I angry about a lion bite when I am still alive?

So many times we.. ok, I assume that when I read those verses in the Bible where God says He will protect us and save us, I read that as physically. That God will protect my body and spare my physical life. Well, that's not true. God will not always spare me, because let's face it, we all do die eventually. The point is that He will always protect my SOUL, which is really the only part that matters. My soul is the only part of me that is eternal. And so, sometimes, for purposes and reasons unknown to me, He will not always spare my physical body. Sometimes, He'll spare my life.. but.. allow other things to befall me. I mean look at Job. He lost everything. His children, his possessions, his livelihood and income, his health, his wife, his friends, and his reputation. And yet... he still trusted God with it all. God was able to intervene in each of those situations, and He chose not to. Job couldn't see why as he cried out over and over to God. But eventually he did see that God's aim was to draw Job into a deeper relationship with Him. That may not have been all of God's motivation or reason to allow Job to suffer, but that was His desired result. It all comes down to how God chooses to limit Himself to allowing us to have free will.
All that for love.... What an amazing God!

And that's the thing. We find ourselves disappointed and disillusioned with God when bad things happen and we feel He's let us down. In reality, it was just our wrong perceptions that let us down. I think in North America we have subscribed at least to a degree in prosperity gospel. That if we follow Jesus bad or hard things won't happen to us. So we are totally surprised when things do happen to us. And shocked. And wondering what's wrong with God. Perhaps that's part of the curse of affluence and comfort. In other places in the world, hardship and suffering is common place. It happens to everyone. a lot. And we don't see that here. Suffering and sorrow aren't so common place. Our culture doesn't know how to deal with pain (not that many cultures do) we just bury it and go on pretending that life is fine.. to put on a happy face. And I think that's the root behind so many problems in society. Instead of being shocked when bad things happen, we have to entrust our hearts to God and bring our pain to Him. And when we get there, we find Him already weeping over it.. and yet ready to heal us.. over time. I am not claiming to have this all figured out, it's something I'm walking through. Wrong beliefs and misplaced trust that God is exposing through all of this. And, drawing me closer once more. I am so thankful for a relentless God! "For He wounds, but He also binds up; He injures, but His hands also heal." -Job 5:18

Blessed Be Your Name...

hello everyone.
well.... things have been..... not going according to plan. Well, my plan that is.

If you haven't heard already, our trip to Kenya did not go well. However, we have gotten to see the amazing goodness, faithfulness, protection & provision of God in a truly amazing way.

We stopped in a city called Kisumu for lunch on our bus ride, and someone there got ahold of my pin # somehow & stole a substantial amount out of my bank account. Then our first day in Mombassa we were mugged at knifepoint & assaulted. This is where the God-miracle work begins. Through a long and complicated process of communication we were introduced to an amazing man and his wife who work with YWAM Mombassa. They took the most amazing care of us that I have ever received. This family embodied hospitality in such a way that was as if the love of God was just spilling over through them in all they did. They dropped everything that they were doing to care for us, drive us places & deal with the police. We were fed amazing meals, and just truly experienced the care of the body of Christ in motion. They also arranged flights for us, so we wouldn't have to take another 21+ hour bus ride back, and just loved us.

And also People's Bank is amazing, and if you don't already bank there, you should. They are going to restore the $ stolen out of my account back! Yahoo. Not to mention they have the most amazing customer service anywhere!

we are now back at the base. We're (the girls) staying with Dr. Tim & Jackie (the base leader & his wife) and the boys are in a house next door. It has been so great to be back home at Hopeland, and just in Uganda in general. I don't blame all Kenyans for the stupidity of a few, and in fact, most of my favorite people on DTS were all Kenyans. However, just the general atmosphere of Kenya vs. Uganda leads me to prefer Uganda.

After much prayer, we also feel that it is not God's best timing for us to be going to Pader at this time. I still truly feel called to go at some point, but I have complete peace about not going at this time. Though I am sad, because I was really looking forward to ministry in the camp. No team is going at all at this time, partially also due to the increased movement & activity of the LRA in the North again.

Another change that has been made to my plan, also after much prayer, is that I will be returning to whatcom county at the end of July instead of the end of August.

Here's the thing, yes, something terrible happened to us. But we have seen the absolutely amazing grace of God and seen the body of Christ in motion in the most incredible way. We feel so loved & taken care of, and see the sovereign hand of God in all these things. I trust completely that through all of this God will be glorified and that good things will come. And I have gotten to see Jesus in a new way once again. What an amazing Savior King we serve!

"Through many dangers, toils, & snares I have already come. 'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home."

"Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power & love. Our God is an awesome God. "

"Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise, when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name."

thank you all for keeping us in your prayers.

Praise & Glory to our Father,
-Kati Rose