risks and dreams

WOW. I was going back through my blog, and I found this post saved as a draft....

and all I can say is, wow.

what a long way I have come.

what amazing healing has happened in my heart.

how amazing and faithful is my God!

This was originally written January 6, 2009:

Fear. it eats me alive some days. Surrounds me and then sneaks up in the darkness. Routinely in the evening it clamps its icy iron fingers around my heart. And then I am lost. paralysed. the actual event is momentary, but its chill lasts for some time. I just freeze. All logical thinking is gone. And all I know is that I am and that I hurt. The shock wears off and the numbness with it, and then as the rush of pain comes in like a flash flood. All I feel is alone.

As I lie in bed, waiting for sleep to come, sometimes I imagine going back to Uganda. My dreams come alive. I am there, safe and happy. Sharing Jesus with the world. with a family of my own. But it is always shattered by the sudden surge of fear. I will always be white. I will always stick out and thus be a target. Villages aren't safe, they are frequently raided and burned and those houses have no burglar bars. Houses can always be broken into, ambushes can come from anywhere. The words come from somewhere deep and dark.. a poisonous whisper, "You are not safe. You will be found. And no one will protect you. Everything will be stolen from you again. And it will be much worse than last time." Fear. Much more fear. Memories flash back. Adrenaline. PAIN. So much for sleep. again.

You see, that night I lost so much. And in all of it, my dreams are gone. Eaten up by fear. Long gone in the aftermath of the storm. Innocence and the much greater trust I had in my Father... gone. Shattered. the pieces seem to small even to be picked up.

But...

I went to Africa with an incorrect understanding of reality. In my mind the violence and pain was contained in the past. The hurts were very real and still lingering but I was going to be part of the healing. I never expected that the danger was still real. That violence still touches so much of everyday life. Whoops. The invincibility of youth, my own lack of understanding and my enthusiastic, effervescent hope and trust in the God of the Universe for transformation, as well as some whole life in Whatcom County innocence created a false perception of what it would really be like. But now I've experienced it. A small piece.

that orange dust will be forever in my soul.. the memories are so vivid. Which in most cases is a huge blessing. I can see it. taste it. feel it. And I long to go back. for the joy. the richness. the challenge. the scarcity. the beauty.

What I've come to see is this.. anything truly GOOD comes with risks. But it is also worth taking those risks.